An Open Letter to a Faceless Asshat

Dear whomever keeps stealing the newspapers in my apartment building...

Seriously? Newspapers? Seriously?! Are you making the worlds most epic papier maché EVAR or what? There cannot possibly be any inherent monetary profit in newspaper theft... This is baffling, and epicly dickish. But not just because you're causing a random inconvenience and costing me about a fiver a week...

No. No see what makes you the worlds BIGGEST dick is the following little tale:

All this paper-stealing had us thinking the local paper had fucked up our subscription when we signed up two weeks ago. So we called them, and they were crazy sorry and promised not to charge us... and then they called the delivery boy for our area and got pissy.

Correction, they got pissy at his mom. Because I doubt he answers the phone in his household. She then called us to try and sort out why we weren't getting the papers she knew her son had delivered, and to arrange some way to make sure we got our papers henceforth.

So next delivery time her son rang the doorbell and waited and handed the paper to me personally.

Do you know, Mr. Asshattus Maximus, that our delivery boy is, like, NINE tops? And has AUTISM? Did you know that thanks to you we completely unintentionally got a little autistic boy bitched out by the paper for something he didn't even do wrong?

That is some SERIOUS bad karma you are gathering up there mister.

I truly hope something vile and bitey crawls DIRECTLY up your ass.

No love,
Your Friendly Neighbourhood Lady

PS: Bald guy across the hall who has beer-gut like whoah and NEVER wears a shirt? Your creepy ass is my prime suspect. I'm watching you creep-machine... but not too closely because ew dude. Seriously.